The Diary Of A Mad Black Virgin “Knowing Who I Am”


Day 2

Dear God,

Soooo today you decided to put me on blast I see! So this weekend I am sure you know I went to a church revival, and the Pastor is preaching, and he says, Some of y’all in here so busy comparing yourself to others that you have forgotten who you are! I am over there in the corner looking around at some of the girls like mmmmmhhmmm Pastor talking right to you! So the Pastor gets all excited and he is preaching and saying you feeling discouraged, thinking you are forgotten, getting weary in welllllllll doing, saying woe is me Lord, I am tired of doing right, so you try to be someone else because you think they got it going on more than you do….as he is singing and preaching, he walks right in front of me, as I am clapping my hands saying about time he deal with these people! He says You, young lady, God says He wants you to know Who and Whose you are! WHAT? Are you kidding me? Did you have to send the Pastor over to me to tell me something you could have told me yourself God. Then he says, God says He needs you to understand you are chosen. He has called you to be set apart for a purpose and a reason. He said just like He chose Mary to carry His most precious gift, Jesus( His Son), He has chosen you to carry the message of Jesus to all the world. To bring hope to the lost, to stand for holiness and live a life of righteousness. God says He wants your heart!


As tears began to flow from my eyes, I so wanted to yell at you God and say, I am TIRED of being the good girl! I can’t even fall short of the glory in peace without somebody telling me you better not do what you are about to do! Why can’t I fall and repent, and fall and repent, and fall and repent like everybody else. Nobody is perfect God! I can’t even shake it fast, watch myself without the dj saying hey girl over there, you are not supposed to be in here! And then you tell the Pastor to tell me you want my heart? Really God? Me, Nikea Marie, the one who has served you since the womb and you tell me you want something that I thought you already had? I go to church, I read my Bible, I pay my tithes, is that not enough?

Maybe my heart is still trying to recover from all the let downs of failed friendships and relationships. Maybe my heart is in mourning. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I am tired. You know I realize with this thing called holiness comes loneliness. Hello, yes ma’am can I get a table for 3, me, myself, and I? Oh hey let me introduce you to my good friend loneliness. We been kicking it for a minute now!

Maybe it is true good girls finish last! And the loser is me…..Nikea! God what do you want from me? Why didn’t you ask me what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be in life before you just chose me? I didn’t ask to be chosen! I didn’t ask to be set apart. Why can’t I have fun, and do wrong, and find you later in life-like a lot of other people I know. They get to turn up, turn down, turn out, and then be like man my life is a mess, let me surrender to God. Why can’t I have experiences too? Why is it that when I step foot some where I get called out? Why is it that I can’t be left alone to figure my life out like everyone else! And then there is that conviction that sits up on me like nobody’s business. Every time I want to do wrong it’s like a shock comes over my body like nah home girl, not today!

God, I am so tired of being good and feeling as though I have nothing to show for it! I am exhausted mentally and spiritually! We can talk another time!


Let me tell you God didn’t truly have my heart, He had my deeds. I thought if I live a good life, follow the commandments then I can have all the blessings! My heart was not in it whatsoever! I grew up in church and I heard the word, but the word wasn’t hidden in my heart. I also realized that I did not know who I was. I was so busy comparing my life to others, that I tried to act and be like them, EPIC FAIL!

I knew that in my life, God called me at a very early age. I knew at 3 years old that I had a purpose. I would sing and preach to my family and friends all the time. My parents were Pastors and they always told me, you were born to live a life of holiness. They said God has called you, but It was my choice to answer the call or send it to voice mail, but I chose to answer!

Woman answering phone_0

God calls us, but sometimes we don’t want to hear. God calls us, but sometimes we ignore it. God calls us, but sometimes our pride gets in the way. For some, it takes a personal tragedy before they stop to re-evaluate their lives. For others, it takes a hard situation before they acknowledge their need for God. For all those reasons and more, some people take a while to get around to turning to God. The danger in procrastination is that time might run out. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. God is patient, but, after death, there is no second chance to get it right.

I learned that everyone has their own path to walk through, so I had to stop worrying about why their life was different from mine, and just focus on mine! What has God told you to do? Just be obedient to what He says regardless of what everyone else is doing! When we know better, we do better!


Let me tell you, once I truly began to understand who Jesus was and what He did for me, that is when my life changed. That is when I realized I was waiting for a purpose, to please and honor God with my body, because I understood that He pleased and honored me with His. The fact that He loved me so much, that He died for me, and was wounded, and beaten, and bruised, and spit on, and talked about, and laughed at, and whipped, and beaten again for me, how can I not love and want to serve a God like that! For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life (John 3:16).

I realized that sometimes I took God’s compassion, His grace, and His love for me for granted.

Galatians 2:20 says-I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me! I have to die to my flesh daily. I have to spend more time building my Spirit more so than my flesh.


It was so hard for me to see all Jesus went through and complain about what I was going through. I realized I was choosing to live a life of holiness, because of what I could get, not because of what He already gave. I didn’t choose virginity because I wanted to honor God with my body, but because I wanted a check mark on the list of good things Nikea did. My motives were all wrong, and that is why it was so hard for me to stand without complaining. If you don’t truly understand why you are doing something, then you will have a difficult time doing it. If your heart isn’t in it for the right reasons, then it’s going to be hard. You have to know God for yourself and decide that you love Him more than anything, and that your desire is to please Him with every part of you!

I had to repent, and give God my heart completely. I said Create in me a clean heart, and renew a right Spirit within me! (Psalms 51:10)

God tells us to wait because he wants to protect us from heart-break, emotional baggage, low self-esteem, STD’s, guilt, shame, bondage, and so much more!

The enemy tells you, man God ain’t the only one that can protect you, I can too, all you have to do is wear a condom! Condoms don’t protect your mind, emotions, heart, or your spirit!

Let me leave you with this, You can stand! You just have to make the decision to do so. God allows us to make choices, and the choice is yours! If you have fallen or messed up, dust yourself off, and say I can STAND from this point on! Please know that you are not alone in this! That is what the enemy wants you to believe. Yes all have sinned and fallen short of the glory, but you don’t have to stay there! The thing I learned is that the enemy will torment you about your past, and make you believe that you are not worthy of greatness because of it, and that is so not true. David in the Bible was a man after God’s own heart, and he messed up, and because of his sin, he did have to deal with the consequences, but one thing I loved about David is that he repented, and never did it again and God still loved him!walking_opposite_direction_by_kyoooo-d31r7z6

Repent means to turn around and proceed in the opposite direction.

That means stop going over his house late at night, being alone in the house, snuggled on the couch, watching a movie, and think you can withstand the temptation. That means stop putting yourself in the same situation, and expecting different results.

1 Corinthians 10:13 says: No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, He will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. RUN FORREST RUN!!!


Isaiah 54:5 says: For your maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; and the Holy one of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He’s called.

One thing God told me is if you can’t be faithful to me, what makes you think I will send you a husband to be faithful to.

So do you take your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to be your husband to have and to hold from this day forward? Will you be true to Him, and love Him forsaking all others forever and ever? Will you be true to Him for better or worse? Richer or Poorer? In sickness and in health? In joy in sorrow?  I know my answer (I DO!!), NOW you have to decide what yours will be.

This week, here is your declaration of knowing who you are, and study the scriptures that are beside                them! I am so excited for you, and just know I believe in you, and I am praying for you!


                                                                 P.R.E.T.T.Y means

                                                    Pure Righteous Eternally True To You!

pretty girl waits logo

So if you know of a PRETTY girl, please email me her name, a picture, and why you think she should be shouted out! You have until Friday, April 24th to send me your nominees, and she could be featured in my next blog!!

If you would like to share your 2 paragraph testimony of why you chose to wait, please email me at, and maybe your story will be featured in my next blog! You have until Friday, April 24th to send me your story!

This Weeks Pretty Girl Shout Out is Ms. LAKESHA WILLIAMS

Lakesha Williams has chosen to live a life of purity, and she is also the author of an amazing book called “Born Overcomers”. She teaches, ministers, and speaks all over about how to Overcome no matter what you have gone through! She is truly a phenomenal woman, and she has impacted so many lives. She is also the winner of The Black Women Are Award! Girl, we are so proud of all that you are doing for the Kingdom, and we thank God for all He is doing, and all that He will continue to do in and through your life! Please follow this beautiful pretty girl on Facebook: Lakesha L Williams, Instagram: LakeshaLWilliams and Twitter: Ms_Kesha83 Also make sure you check her website out! Let’s applaud this PRETTY Girl!!!!!


The-Fashion-Corner outfits

So this week’s FASHION TIP: Find you a nice blazer to wear with some jeans/and or skirt, and pop that baby with some fabulous heels! Now I do like to save my money honey, so my tip to you is to go straight to the Clearance section of any store, and find you some awesome deals! Since the weather is about to change, they have blazers real reasonable too. #PrettyGirlsFashion

Please be on the look out: I will be having a Pretty Girls Wait Conference in August 2015!

More information will be given in my next blog, and on social media

Follow me as I follow Christ lol

Instagram: NikeaMarie313    Twitter: NikeaMarie313    Facebook: Nikea Marie 

                           Like My Facebook Page: Pretty Girls Wait


If you missed my previous blog, please check it out, and you will see that I have been married now for 5 years to the love of my life! My hubby Ryan Jones!


#prettygirlswait #prettygirlspray #prettygirlshavefaith

#prettygirlshavestandards #prettygirlsrock


2 thoughts on “The Diary Of A Mad Black Virgin “Knowing Who I Am”

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