Diary Of A Mad Black Virgin “Life After Death”

Ask, and it shall be given huh God? Well I asked you to heal my brother, and you did not! Did you hear the phone call I received early this morning? I said hello..Your brother was shot and he is in the hospital! Clearly, I am dreaming God, because my brother just had a newborn, and has 2 other kids and a wife, and clearly he is too young to die, so I am sorry, but you have the wrong number! Nikea, my sister in law says, I am serious, he has been shot! I would not play around with something like this! As I drop the phone, and fall to my knees, I say to you, God, I don’t ask for much, but I do need you to come through right now! I need you to find my brother, and take the bullet out, and let him live. God, you said with long life, you will satisfy us, remember you said that in your word, so let him live long and let this be a testimony of victory, in Jesus name Amen! I don’t know if you were busy with other people’s prayers, but I was praying you were awake with me, and fixed it!

As I jump to get my sis and I out the door to drive 1 hour away to get to where he was, the phone rang again. Afraid of what would be said, I just answered and heard tears. Then, I heard the dreaded words, he didn’t make it! Now here I am God, just you and me! Wanting to get some things off my chest! How could you? How could you take from me the the only person who has been here for me! My brother! My favorite person in the whole wide world? You might as well take me too because I feel like I have died! God, are you kidding me? Seriously, me Nikea! The one who lives that Bible front to cover. Me, Nikea, the one who does whatever you ask! Me, Nikea, the virgin! The girl who has chosen to wait to have sex, because I know my body belongs to you! Me, Nikea, the Holy and Righteous girl. Me, Nikea, the one who has told the world for God I live, and for God I die! Me, Nikea, you took my brother! Maybe you thought he was Kia’s brother from the 8th floor. She doesn’t live right at all, maybe our signals got crossed!

Now, I am beginning to wonder, if any of my other prayers are getting heard! Maybe all this trust God, wait on God stuff is just some game that church people play with us. How can a good God, take away a good guy, from a good girl? Who is going to tell my niece and nephews, their dad is in heaven? He just had a baby a few weeks ago! Who is going to explain this to them? With tears in my eyes, all I can say is I have no more words!


I don’t know if you have ever gone through a tragedy, but I really went through a phase where I didn’t trust God anymore. I was so angry, and so hurt that the enemy played with my thoughts. Girl, what kind of God would do that to you? Girl, what kind of God would make you feel so much pain? Didn’t He die so you could live? If He didn’t answer your prayer for your brother, do you think He will answer your prayer regarding a spouse?  I was talking to the devil like, yep, God probably ain’t gonna come through! I am doing all this for nothing!  You know what, I am done with this God stuff! I would speak it, but I knew in my heart that God had shown me too many times that He is faithful, and this one time of Him doing something that I didn’t understand was not going to make me give up on Him.

I used to think that when you lived for Christ, that nothing bad would happen to you. That you wouldn’t go through because you have Jesus! I thought me being a virgin, and living holy, was my get out of jail card. I don’t know what Bible I was reading!

2 Cor 4:8-9 says: We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed.

The thing that God showed me was, yes with long life I will satisfy you! Your brother will forever live in heaven with me, and you will see him again. God gave me a peace that surpassed my understanding, and through this tragedy, it made me strong. What the devil meant for evil, God turned it around for the good. Many of my brothers friends gave their life to Christ, our family became closer, and God was glorified, even at the funeral.

During this process, God showed me diamonds are formed through pressure! That’s when I realized God was doing some things within me. He was squeezing me, and applying pressure to make me into who He needed me to be. During the time of my brother’s passing, I pressed into God like never before. My worship increased, my ear to hear God became clearer, and my relationship with God became so strong!  There were some things in me that had to die, and God was elevating me unknowingly. A week after all this, I met my husband.

I will talk more about that in my blog next week, but I just want to encourage you that your tragedies, are not meant to break you, but build you. I had no choice but to grow up after my brother passed, and I leaned more on God, and He was so faithful, even when I wasn’t. So I encourage you to lean on God, trust Him, and don’t give up on Him! Don’t lose heart, no matter what you face! Keep fighting and keep the faith loves! You were not built to break!! Even through tragedies, we triumph!

Here is a picture of me and my brother!!! IMG_1382




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