Diary Of Mad Black Virgin “Made The List, Checking It Twice”

Lord, Jesus, Father, Abba, Holy Ghost! Look a here right now!! I am not a materialistic girl, and maybe I forgot to add to my list that my future husband not drive a car that the Flinstone’s drove back in their day. I was not specific on my list I see. The car he picked me up in, Lord Jesus bless his heart. I am getting myself ready, and I hear this loud car making this putttt puttttttt puttttttt sound down the street. I said goodness whose car is that making all that noise? Lo and behold it is Ryan! Oh my goodness!! See, I knew there was something that was going to be wrong with this entire situation! Maybe I should not answer the door! Who does he think is going to ride in that? I see him get out the car, and walk towards the front door.

He gets to the door, rings the bell, and as much as I did NOT want to answer the door, I answered it. When I opened the door, the butterflies I had from the first time we met, they came back again. He looked so fine, but before I could say anything, he says wow you look so beautiful! Why thank you, I have only been getting ready for about 2 hours now. He says really? I say yeah man, I tried on about 2 girdles, and I almost passed out, so what you see is what ya get. He laughs and says, you are a jokester I see! What I wanted to say is I wish this car you are picking me up in was a joke! God, am I being tested? He looks too fine to be in that automobile. This should be a crime, but I will push pass my issue, and ride in it, but I don’t like this one bit.

When we get to the car, he opens my door, and I thought the door was going to come off. Lord, this is not a car for a Queen!! This car looks like it was meant for the help of the Queen! I mean, I should have known this was not going to be the fairy tale story that I always dreamed about! As we drive to the restaurant, we have casual conversation. How was your day? How was work? But God, here I go being me. So, is this your car? Yes, he says, this is my baby. Oh ok, so how long have you had it? For some time now, he says. So, do you think you want another car anytime soon? Well, this car has been with me for a while, and I really haven’t thought about it, he said. Do you have an issue with my car? I wanted to say, my issue is that you don’t have an issue with your car, but I heard you God say, chill! No, if you like it, I love it! Oh, he says, you are too good to be in this car, is that it? Duh, I wanted to say, but I didn’t. No, you good I said. The rest of the ride was quiet. Oh Lord, I pray I didn’t hurt his feelings, but this is the kind of stuff I am talking about. I am now telling myself why he isn’t the one any longer. Obviously he doesn’t see me like you see me God; because there is no way picking me up in this car should be acceptable. You would not have picked me up in this car! See, I knew he didn’t respect me. I am coming up with all kinds of crazy things in my mind.

We finally pull up to the restaurant, and God the entire time, I couldn’t even think about the dinner, I was consumed with all my issues that I created within my head. God, I knew he wasn’t going to be all that I kept thinking he would be. I hope I don’t see anyone I know here at this restaurant when we pull up. Thank God we didn’t! When we walked in the restaurant, I excused myself to the bathroom to get myself together.

God, please oh please help me right now. I looked down in my bag, and I had my list of things I believed for in a man. I pulled out the paper, and began to check off things Ryan had. Godly (check), Handsome (check), Loving (check), Gentleman (check), and so on and so on. I cannot allow this one thing to make me miss out on my blessing. There is no perfect man, but I kept feeling maybe this is a sign that he isn’t the one. God, maybe I heard you wrong. Maybe you heard me wrong. I mean, you said you would give me my hearts desires, and I am very sure my heart does not desire to be in that car ever again.

God, I need you to help me right now! I don’t want to ruin dinner, but come on! Maybe I should tell him I am sick, and will catch a cab home. In that moment God said, how much further will you carry your past? How much longer will you keep walking in fear? How many more times do I need to tell you that he is for you? It is time for you to come to the end of yourself, and trust what I have said, and release your past so you can enjoy your present.

#MBV

My issue wasn’t with his car at all, it was that F word that had me all jacked up, FEAR! Instead of me trusting God, and knowing what He told me, I walked in fear. I was always looking for something to go wrong. I may have been a virgin, but I was carrying a lot of emotional baggage from previous relationships. I truly am thankful for the Word of God that helped me through it all. One of the scriptures that I continued to speak over myself was:

Isaiah 41:13- For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you; Do not fear, I will help you. I had to stop being god, and let God be God. I want to encourage you to give God all your worries, and all your fears. Stop trying to make sense out of what God is doing, and just enjoy the journey. Drop your past, so you can be free to enjoy your present!

#dontsweatthesmallstuff

Stay encouraged loves!

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