The Diary Of A Mad Black Virgin “No Apologies Necessary”

Dear God,

One day before my wedding, and my phone is ringing off the hook. Nikea, please forgive me. I am so sorry! I can’t believe you actually are getting married. I was so mean to you in school. You were someone I hated, but wanted to be like at the same time. I thought you felt like you were better than me because you were a virgin, and I wasn’t. (ring, ring) How did you make it this long? (ring, ring) Girl, I am so proud of you. (ring, ring) Girl, I am so sorry, your man is fine too, how you get him? God, as much as I wanted to throw my phone down the steps, I realized that everyone who teased me, talked down to me, laughed at me, were now asking me to forgive them. The crazy thing is that I already had forgiven them. What was normal to me, was abnormal to others, and that was okay to me. The way I grew up, was different than the way they grew up. Most of the people who dogged me, didn’t have a father, or they just enjoyed putting other people down because they wanted to be a “bully”. Some dealt with low self esteem, and in order to feel powerful, they would try and make you feel small. Some just were raised in a bad environment, while some of them just wanted to fit in with the wrong crowd, and did whatever others told them to do, just so they could have friends. Me, on the other hand, I never looked down at them, I just stood by my own convictions.

As I am listening to every voicemail, and reading every text, I just sat in my seat and cried. Thinking about all the ridicule, and thinking about all the tears, I just said THANK YOU JESUS! I didn’t allow the opinions of those who didn’t understand my walk bother me, and I didn’t hate them because of their lack of understanding. I am getting ready to marry the man of my dreams, while they were explaining to me how they were living in their nightmares. (ring, ring, ring, ring..please leave a message at the beep..) This person who called, was a person I was close with in school. We both vowed that we would wait until we were married, but somewhere down the line, she got so caught up in the “wrong relationships”, and she stopped speaking to me. I didn’t even know she had gotten pregnant or anything. It was like she just cut me off. I didn’t recognize the number, so I listened to the voicemail: Nikea, you know who this is! I know it has been a long time, but I was afraid to tell you! I was afraid that I had let you down, and I settled Nikea, and I didn’t have the strength to wait for someone better because I felt as if I didn’t deserve better. I gave myself away to a lot of people, and after 2 children with different daddies, I needed to at least stay with one of them. If you only knew the things he has done to me, it is torture, but I just accept that this is my life, because I have made these decisions. I know this is the day before your wedding, and I don’t mean to pour all this on you, but I just want to apologize. I apologize for not talking to you, and I apologize for going MIA, but I let you down Kea. I saw the pictures of you just looking so happy, and I am envious of that smile! I long for that same smile. I just want you to pray and ask God to help me come through this, because I am afraid to leave my baby’s father. What man is going to take me, my 2 children, and their crazy dads! It is a lot I am dealing with, but I am sorry again for throwing this on you, one day before your big day! I am sure you are wondering why call now? And I really don’t know, but I do know that you are truly an amazing example. Thanks Nikea for pushing through, and showing others we can have better if we just wait on God! Oh, and congratulations. As I was listening to her voicemail, I was like Lord, what is happening here? I decided to call her back! She picked up the phone, and said oh my goodness, I was not expecting you to call me back! Girl, it is late, you need to prepare for tomorrow. I said, girl this is ministry, and that is more important to me. OMG I cannot believe you called me! I have missed you so much I told her! We begin to catch up with life, and I then told her that just because she had 2 children, didn’t make her trash! There is a man who will value you, but you have to value yourself first. Girl, stop seeking validation from these men, and seek validation through Christ. He loves you, and He just wants your heart! Stop giving it to people who don’t treasure it! God doesn’t love you any less, because you love yourself less. Whatever lies the enemy is feeding you, it is time to stop partaking in the meal. You need to now feed yourself the truth about you! You are royal, you are beautiful, you are amazing, and you are awesome! You are valued, you are a child of God! God wants you to truly have a relationship with Him, so He can show you what real love looks like. So he can show you how to love you again! He’s knocking, you just have to let Him in. Girl, the smile that you see me with, that smile was there before my hubby came. I was content with Christ, and He gave me that smile that you are seeking after. Remember what I always told you, God is LOVE! So, if a man doesn’t love God, he can’t love you! I am talking about having a relationship with God, not a Sunday seat!  As she cried, she said you are right! I prayed with her on the phone, and I said I am here for you girl, and I believe in your future! She said, Nikea, I just want to apologize for everything, before she could finish, I said girl, no apologies necessary! We are good, you hear me? I love you! We both said our goodbye’s, and here I am crying yet again! While tears are flowing down my face, I began to pray one more time!

God, I pray for every person who talked about me, God, I pray that you would bless them, and I pray that you will show them even the more who they are in you. I pray that you will show them just as much favor as you have shown me. I pray that they will give their hearts completely to you! I pray that they realize you have the very best for them, and that they can trust you! I pray that they will desire you like never before. God, I pray that you will give them peace, and that you will cover them in the name of Jesus. As I am saying AMEN, I receive another call from my hubby to be. (ri…) Hello boo! Yeah, it didn’t even ring all the way, I answer for my boo. Hey babe, he says. Look, I was just thinking about you, and I just want you to know that I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world. I want you to know that if you cry with me, they will be tears of joy. If you get mad at me, that is because I am spoiling you too much. I want to not only be your husband, but your best friend. I want to make you the happiest woman in the world, because you have made me the happiest man. As I am sitting in the chair crying my eyes out, God, all I can think about is how much you love me. You sent me your very best, and I am forever thankful! As my hubby is continuing to speak, all I could say is boy you better save some of that talking for tomorrow! We laughed, and he said I cannot wait to see you walk down the aisle tomorrow. I can’t wait to see you either boo! I love you so much QUEEN, he said! I love you so much KING! As we said goodbye for the final time as single people, that moment made me forget all the drama I went through. That moment made me forget all the tears, that moment made me forget the pain, but I am thankful for everything I went through, because it drew me closer to you God. It made me cling more to you than ever before, and you made my spirit attractive, and that is what my hubby to be saw when we met. So thankful for the process, because it gave me more access to you God!

OMG! Tomorrow, my dream will become my reality!

God, I thank you!

#MBV

Hebrews 12:1-2 (NLT) Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates, and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting Him, He endured the cross, disregarding His shame. Now He is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. People ask me all the time, how did you wait? When things got hard, how did you stand? Keeping my eyes on Jesus definitely helped, and also for the joy of people seeing someone stand, I endured. For the joy of seeing my future husband know I was his one and only, I endured. For the joy of seeing God smile, I endured. When I was in a situation, I didn’t think about myself and what I wanted. I had to tell my flesh to freeze! Is this worth my assignment? Is this worth my future? Imagine if Jesus said, forget this cross, I can’t do this anymore!  It is too hard! Imagine how our lives would be, if He quit! Imagine how our lives would be if He chose to abandon the cross! We would be lost! He had to be unselfish, and not think about His feelings when the pain came, He thought about you and I, and said For the joy of seeing you in heaven with me, I will take the beatings, I will take the spit, I will take the ridicule, I will take the nails, just for us! Jesus, I will take the process, I will take the laughter, I will take the times of feeling lonely, I will take whatever I have to, so your will can be done in my life!

James 1:12 (AMP) Blessed (happy, spiritual prosperous, favored by God) is the man who is steadfast under trial and perseveres when tempted; for when he has passed the test, and been approved, he will receive the victor’s crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love him. And oh how I love Jesus! I am so glad that I passed the test, and so can you! All A’s baby!

Stay Encouraged Loves!

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8 thoughts on “The Diary Of A Mad Black Virgin “No Apologies Necessary”

  1. I have been reading your blogs like a book! And they are amazing! Each one I read I am like will she get out of my head? Lol… I am 23 and saving myself for my future husband. My question is (if you don’t mind me asking) how old were you when you got married? And what were some simple steps that you took to help you stop being obsessed with meeting your husband? Thank you for this you are helping a lot of people!

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    1. Hey girl!! First, thank you so much for reading my blogs, that means so much! And you go girl 23 still a V, yessss lol! That’s such a blessing! First question, I got married at 25. A week after my wedding was my birthday, and I turned 26 on my honeymoon girl! How I avoided the where my husband at stage? Lol girl it was difficult, but I became busy. I focused on my personal dreams and aspirations and went after them hard. I sing, so I would set up meetings for studio time, write my own songs, find good music producers, and I mean I lived in the studio. Of course hangin with my good girlfriends too helped, and more importantly getting in Gods face. He told me to stop making having a husband my god, and seek Him first, and I did exactly that. Real talk, I would meet with music producers, and I would be like is he the one though? I did that a few times, and God was like really? It was a process, but God showed me that my desire for a mate, couldn’t be greater than my desire for Him. He knows our hearts right? So, He knows when you ready or nah! I would encourage you to go after that thing you love to do, and continue to desire God more than you desire the man, and He will send you a man that will desire you in such an amazing way! I’m praying for you sister and keep praying for your hubby to be! Intercede for him, and declare that he will be who God has called him to be! Pray for his strength and pray for his mind. Cover him in Jesus name! Girl I can’t wait to hear the testimony! 😘

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  2. Thank you for the encouragement Nikea! Love your testimony
    … When my time comes, I will definitely share my testimony with you in Jesus name.

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