At this stage in our marriage, we had been married for 2 years. We were still in that “weird” married stage. We weren’t as bad as we were when we first got married, but we were still processing. I was NOT trying to get pregnant because I was still trying to see if this marriage was something I even wanted to be in. I mean, I love him, but he is annoying at times, and after all the foolery we have gone through, I am not sure where we stand at this moment. I was on birth control, but my pills ran out, and I had to get a refill. It took me about 4 weeks before I went to get the refill. Well, what can happen in 4 weeks? My doctor told me that it takes months before the pills can leave out your system, and it would take time for me to get pregnant, LIES!! I realized I was a few days late, and I said there is NO WAY I am pregnant. I kept telling myself that it is my body adjusting to not having the pills in my system. LIES yet again! I ended up going to get a pregnancy test, and lo and behold the lines were clear as day. I sat on the toilet like God, why would you give us a baby right now? We are still processing, and this just isn’t a good time. I literally sat on the bathroom floor like are you serious? Why me? I am not ready for this! I called my sister and my mom, and they were so excited. What a blessing, my mom said, and my sister was just as excited also. I wanted to say no, no, no guys this isn’t a good time! I don’t have the wife role down yet, I can’t add adjusting to the mommy role too. UGH! I am so irritated! When my husband came home, I left the test on the kitchen table. He came upstairs, and he was so excited! YOU ARE PREGNANT? He beamed with excitement, and I sat there on the bed and said yeah.
He said, with his sarcastic self, you look so happy! I was like babe, we aren’t ready to be parents, we aren’t even good spouse’s, and I am just trying to see how all this is going to work. He of course says, we are doing a lot better. We are communicating better, we respect each other, and we have come further than we were this time last year. I think this is a blessing, and I know we are going to be great parents, so don’t worry, and just trust God. We prayed, and at the end of it all, I said God your will be done in this! 2 weeks later, we went to a family reunion, and we decided to tell the family, HEY EVERYONE, we are having a baby! Everyone was so excited! You guys are going to be amazing parents, and you guys are going to be blessed…and on and on and on. In my mind, I still wasn’t convinced. About 4 weeks after that, we went out of town with our family for a weekend getaway. I wasn’t really feeling that well, but I went anyway. While we were away, I felt these cramps that were completely unbearable. I told my husband that I needed to go to the hospital. He rushed me to the car, and I felt like my life was about to end. I said baby, drive faster, I don’t know what is going on. We got to the hospital, and they saw us right away. I asked them to check my baby, and the nurse did an ultrasound, and looked at me, and she said those words I never thought I would hear, I am sorry Mrs. Jones, the baby has no heartbeat. I said, excuse me? She said, unfortunately, your baby didn’t make it. With tears in my eyes, all I could think was, this is my fault.
I should have never said that I didn’t want my baby. I should have never spoke it into the atmosphere! BUT God, how could you? I have lived right for you, and this is the repayment? I was a virgin until marriage, and did it the right way, and this happens to me! What about all the girls that had sex before marriage, and for some reason, they can spit kids out by sneezing? This isn’t fair! I mean, yes, i know in my heart I wasn’t ready but, I know plenty of women who said they didn’t want their babies, and they still had their babies. Why is this happening to me? Did I not serve you enough? Did I not live good enough? As I sat there in the hospital room, I realized that I wasn’t properly prepared for LIFE AFTER SEX!!
Romans 8:18- For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with this glory that is to be revealed to us. Too often, we look at trials as a punishment, when it is really for the glory. After I had my miscarriage, I struggled with why me for a few weeks. I had to sing at this church, and after I sung, this lady came up to me after church, and gave me a word. She didn’t know my story, but God used her to change my life. She said, BABY GIRL this season of your life is not for you. What you are going through, and have been through, it is for other women that will need to see someone endure their pain and process when they want to give up. What you are going through, is going to heal other people who are going to be drawn to your stories and testimonies. You have to come through this, because many women are depending on you to make it, so you can tell them they can make it. Just like Jesus went through, so we could live, we also go through, so others can overcome. God is using you to show people that there is life, and hope after disappointment. Don’t miss what God is doing in this season of your life. You have sacrificed your life, for HIS glory. She was so right! I used to always sing, For your glory, I will do anything..and God is like will you really? Even if it hurts, can you still say that? Even in things you don’t understand? Can you still say, For your glory? God, my answer is still YES!! I will still sing, For your glory, I will do anything, just to see you, to behold you as my King!! Not my will, but your will be done! After my miscarriage, I began ministering to other women who were experiencing the same thing, and they were encouraged, and blessed by my testimony. It took me time to even try to get pregnant again, because I didn’t want to go through that again. FEAR began to take over my mind! I had to give fear an eviction notice, and just believe God. I want other women to know that you are not forgotten. Don’t get stuck in the hurt, because that is where the enemy wants you to stay. Try again! Keep trusting! Keep believing!
In my blog next week, I will share the journey of our pregnancy story. I am 21 weeks pregnant now, and God is so faithful! It was a process, but the promise was not forgotten! Our baby that I miscarried, I knew it was a baby boy, and now, I am carrying my baby boy! To God be the glory!!
No test, No testimony!! For God’s GLORY!
Marriage is hard work, but it is a job I wouldn’t trade for anything!
Until next week loves!
Have you ever wondered what men really think? Are there double standards for men and women? Are side chicks winning? The difference between a church man, and a christian man…and so much more! Make plans to hear from the fellas!! Saturday, April 23, 2016 @ 2:00 PM. It is going down! We will separate the girls (13-17) and the ladies (18 and up). It is going to get REAL! Call your girlfriends, and tell them, this is an event they DO NOT want to miss!
Save The Date: PRETTY (Pure Righteous Eternally True to You) Girls Wait Conference July 15-16, 2016 in CLinton MD. More info to come!
Follow US on Facebook: Nikea Marie/ Pretty Girls Wait
Make sure you pick up my book! http://www.amazon.com/Nikeas-Keys-Success-P-R-E-T-T-Y-Journal/dp/069248664X
Check my music out! https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/purpose-and-mission-p.a.m/id950870592