Diary Of A Mad Black Virgin: Here We Grow Again #THEBIGGERPICTURE

Dear God,

I don’t know if you have read your word lately, but you said that you would NOT put more on me than I can bear. Maybe you see my back stronger than I see my own back. I go to the doctor for my check up after my c-section surgery, and they said I have an infection from my c-section. They told me I had to go to the hospital right away, and get antibiotics through an IV for a few days. God, in case you forgot, I have an infant! Who is going to keep my baby for a few days while I am in the hospital? Thank God my sister came with me to my doctor’s appointment and told me not to worry. She said that she would take the baby, and keep him for as long as I needed her to. She took me home to get some clothes, and I just had a breakdown. It has been one thing after another, and I think it all hit me at once. Nothing seemed to be going my way! It seems like I get punched in the gut, and before I can recover from that punch, I get punched again. My dad dropped me off at the hospital, and my husband met me there, and all I could do was cry. I can’t breastfeed my baby because of the antibiotics, and they told me to just pump the breast milk, and then dump it. I have to keep pumping or I will lose my breast milk! Who wants to sit there and pump out all this milk, just to dump it out? I can’t see my baby because I am here in the hospital, and I am struggling. It was hard enough trying to recover from my c-section, and still do all that I had to do for my son. I couldn’t move around like I wanted to,  I couldn’t hold him like I wanted to, and to top it all off, I now have an infection! I want to GO HOME!

My husband came to stay with me at the hospital, but he had to pay an important bill the next day, and was conflicted with whether he should try and finish ubering or not while I was resting up. I told him to just go drive because I wanted to be alone anyway. He said babe I will be back as soon as I finish! I just want to make sure the water will be on when you come home from the hospital, and I am just a few dollars short of reaching my goal for the day so I can pay this bill before tomorrow afternoon. I promise you I will not be out long. I understand that he didn’t know I was going to be in the hospital today, but goodness, this is way too much!

God, for the first time in my Christian walk, I wanted to say every curse word in the book, get a strong drink, throw the hospital bed out of the window while I was still on it, and punch my husband in the face. I know he means well, but dang, tell the water company that your wife isn’t doing well. I need him right now, but I need water too, and this is his only job right now, so I know he is in a tough spot! God, you and I have had some issues previously, and I know you always tell me all things work for the good, but this right here is a HOT MESS! Trouble don’t last always huh? We will see! I don’t know what is going on, but all I can say is, HERE WE GROW AGAIN!


For some reason all I could do was think about Job in the Bible. Job was a faithful man,  Job loved and feared God, Job never cursed, he was probably a virgin before he got married, he probably was called HOLY JOB in school, and he probably did his very best to live a life that was pleasing to God! God blessed Job with a wife, children, money, and the man was rich! I could relate to Job in this moment because I was faithful to God, I loved and feared God, I only cursed a little in high school, I was a virgin when I got married, I was called the HOLY HOOKER (yes that was my last name before I got married…..ok you can stop laughing now lol), I tried my very best to live a life that was pleasing unto God. God blessed me with the man of my dreams, this amazing son, but the only difference is that I am still waiting for my funds to be released. But, back to my story about Job!  Satan tried to tell God that the only reason Job was serving Him was because God blessed Him with all these things. He said, God, Job only serves you because of the benefits! If you took everything away, will he still serve you? God said, let me tell you something devil, this man loves me with all his heart, and He will continue to serve me no matter what is thrown at him. He isn’t a God-digger! He doesn’t just come to me for things, or love me because of what I do for him! He has a relationship with me, and he is an amazing man whom I am pleased of. I wonder what God tells the enemy about me? I wonder if the enemy said God, the only reason Nikea serves you is because she finally got a man, she finally has an amazing career, things are going great in her life. Will she still serve you when she experiences troubles? My man Job lost everything! He lost his children, his money, his wife, and his friends, but Job said; The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord. Yes, bad things happen to good people, but what is your response? Can you see the bigger picture even in the bad? I ain’t gonna lie, it took me a minute to process!  I had to ask myself, what is God doing in the midst of this? Why did He choose me? 

While I was at the hospital, I was able to witness to the nurses about Jesus. When our home was almost auctioned, my family got to see God show up and show out. While my husband was out of work, God blessed us with finances to pay our bills.We received  unexpected checks in the mail. We even had family members and friends, who didn’t even know our situation, give us money. Sometimes we look at our circumstances, and not the bigger picture! Job lost it all, but he also got double for his trouble! The other blessing is that Job never went through that ever again! Job didn’t do like some of us would do. He didn’t drink his problems away. He didn’t say screw this walk with God. He didn’t look for multiple people to sleep with. He didn’t go to the nearest club in the city. He stayed true to who he was, and he said, BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!


God used Job to teach Bible readers like you and me, hundreds of years later, how to handle life when things get tough. He taught us that suffering is not always related to wickedness. God used Job to teach us that suffering can bring rewards, and even joy. (James 1:2-Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.) God used Job’s story to teach us that God is worthy of our praise and worship no matter what. He also used Job to show us that we will get double for our trouble, and we will get rewarded for our faithfulness. He used Job to show us the victory on the other side of what can feel like defeat. God used Job to show us true character. What is your story going to reveal to others? Will it reveal that when things get tough you quit? When life throws obstacles, do you throw in the towel? Will your story say, she gave in because she was tired of waiting? Will your story say she gave up on life because it got hard? Can you still say, Blessed be the name of the Lord?

While I was in the hospital, I prayed and cried out to God, and some how it made me feel better. My situation did not change right away, but my perspective did. I began to see all of the lives who will be blessed by my testimony! No matter what Nikea went through, she still stayed faithful! I began to see the glory in my story. Who needs me to get through so they can get through? In the midst of it all, I will say; BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD! I will still serve you! I will still honor you, and I will still trust you! My life is attached to someone else’s, and I have to overcome, so they can overcome by the words of my testimony!  I finally saw #THEBIGGERPICTURE!!

Until next week loves!



What’s up everyone!! Yesssssssss, it is me, your girl, Nikki B! I am back!! I wanted to give you guys a cute and comfy look. You can rock a sweater, jeans, and some flat boots, and still be fabulous. You make the clothes, the clothes don’t make you. My favorite store is Forever 21, and you can get all these items I have on from there. Well, let me be real, these boots are Uggs!! You don’t have to get Uggs, you can get BUggs and nobody will care! Girl, just do you, and do you well! Nobody can outdo you boo! It is alright to be comfy, chill, and cute. Remember, I do all this for you!! Please join me tonight @ 7 PM on FB live as I do my live makeup video! It is going to be informative, and it will be hilarious! Follow me!

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